The Wasted Seven Years

It feels like time has stopped for me

For the past 7 years, I was standing still. I'm not going anywhere, and my mind never matured like how I expect a 20-something old man should think and behave. I'm still a little kid or teen at heart, despite my ever growing adult body.

The changes, however, should be adressed to people around me, mainly my family, and specifically, all my younger siblings. They went from preschooler to kindergartener, to elementary school student, to middle school student, to high school students, to college students, from single to married and having child and expecting the second one as of now.

But where am I?

Here, unmoving from where I was 7 years ago. Not sure with what direction should I take with this life, nor do I know what should I do to make up all these years that I spent for pretty much nothing.

Despite being the eldest son, I failed to set any good example. Well, at least I hope my younger siblings could learn a thing or two from my past failures.

Still A Friend Of Mine

I had one friend during the days I was a med student. This one friend had to repeat multiple courses like me, so he was held back several years and more or less got stuck together with me for the span of 5 years. But even before we both ended up failing on or academics, his very first approach was to invite me to the world of Kemudian.com, and later on, LCDP and BoR. Had he not been there to pull me in, I might never made so many online acquintances who shared the same passion on writing and drawing, and I might not even be encouraged to explore my passion at all during the college years.

On one hand, I fully admit that doing creative works is more or less a form of escapism for me under the stress of medical college pressure. As I never could made a name of myself in academic achievement, I somehow got a great feeling of acknowledgement in the creative field. Of course, I never actually made it big. But the time I spent doing what I think I love is enough to make me enjoy every moment of it

Now back to the point of my friend. Despite sharing the same passion and bad grades, gradually I noticed some differences between us. While I feel satisfied with doing whatever I want to do, he actually took one step ahead. He socializes. He builds relations, getting to know more people than I was. This also shows when we had to repeat with underclassmen younger than us. Whereas I still keep my introverted persona and never bothered to make a move, he makes an effort to get close to them. He felt so outgoing to the point I can't follow him anymore.

To add to those difference is the difference on our religious view. He felt almost like he's a syncretist or pluralist, while I tried hard to show a conservative and fundamentalist approach. Later on, he got a position on game dev company, became part of a big local fantasy writing project, and even applied to write a script for a TV program. The last hit was when he passed an exam that decides whether we can still continue being a med student while I'm not. After I dropped out, I almost feel that there's no longer any point on having contact with him. Not only our view and interest don't meet, I also don't have any reason to meet him on regular basis anymore.

But there's one instance where he asked my condition after someone he know died from meningitis. At the moment I think he just thinks about me as an afterthought, just because I remind him of that person since we had the same disease. But now that I think about it, there's also a possibility that he genuinely worried about me after so long without any contact. Now that I have calmed down, I think I forgot to be grateful that God has made him as one of prominent character of my life story during the previous chapter. Had he not been there, not only my life would be so dull, I might also get crushed easily when I found myself alone without a single friend.

To conclude, I owe to him for the short time he was with me. He may have many friends beside me, but he might be the only friend I had at that time. And for that, I should express my gratitude the next time I meet him.

It's Not Love, But Somewhere Near

Earlier this year, I thought I have found the girl of my dream.

She's a friend of my sister who's close with her during their school days. The initial attraction I had with her is only because she looked like she's often liked some of my posts on Facebook, and able to conversate in English. Later, she borrowed my pentab once and asked me to help with her final assignment as a beta tester of an app she made. Those were all just some meaningless interaction with little to no importance, but to a man without any decent experience with a girl, I thought that she's somewhat okay.

And so, without thinking much, I threw a bait in the form of marriage proposal. I was half-serious and certainly didn't put much thought about it, because I think there's no harm on trying to throw the idea to her. If she didn't like it, then so be it. But if she did like the idea, then I was pretty excitement to see how would it develop to something else.

Of course, she didn't give a proper answer for about 2 years.

By then I had almost forgot about it. I don't even think I want to marry anyone for the rest of my life, because I think being in relationship with someone else is bothersome, and I'm pretty much content with being alone. But since I've recovered from my illness, my mother seemed to think that I should hurry and get married, even though I don't really feel the urgency.

And on that kind of timing, out of the blue, she reappeared once again.

She asked how am I doing, what am I up to, other small talks like that. At that time, I feel a deep sense of having a true companion. Someone who I could share anything, being truly open like I never was with any other people, from the thought I think would affect people's perception about me if they hear it, some extreme imaginations, and even all of my depressions.

She listened. And more than that, she also shared her story, which made me symphatize with her struggle in life.

She had many problems to list, but basically, just like me, in a simple word, she's pretty much a broken person. It makes me think that I want to help her in a way, or maybe even save her from the situation she's in. In one occassion I asked about my half-assed proposal in the past, and much to my surprise, she said that she actually has taken a liking to me from a long time ago.

That made my mind flew higher, passing the clouds and heavens.

Then I learned that we actually shared the same birthday. We had the same blood and personality type. We had the same idea and agreeing on many things. Then I begin to look at her physical features, and thought she's really an ideal girl. Her skin is the kind of clean and fair white. Anyone who saw her would agree that her face is among the beauty. And her figure is what I imagined to have a potential of being soft and stacked without actually being too fat.

How can a girl this perfect says that she liked me? Is God messing with me? This kind of thing is too good to be true!

And as I expected, everything won't go the way I want it.

Despite how much I'm interested with her, apparently my parents opposed the idea of me being with her. One of the reason is the problem with her parents. The other one is she herself is in a position which is unfavorable to my parents' principle of ideal wife candidate. Me, being only a kid without education, job, or at the very least a financial independece, can only give up since I don't even have any bargaining chip or good argument to offer. Just like how it always be on my life, I was and will never made a major choice on my life by myself as long as I'm not a free man under the care of my parents.

Well, it's not like I want to rebel against their decision either. I'm an obedient kid, and I don't really have any more free will since most of what makes me 'me' had pretty much died. So when they told me about another candidate, I think it's better if I try to forget about her.

In reality, even though I've tried to cut the connection with her, I found myself lost to the temptation just because I saw a short video of her playing in the beach. We're secretly still in contact with each other, even after she knew that sooner or later I would probably marry another girl. We did a video call once or twice, something that I thought I would never do with a girl before. I even had the wild idea of meeting her just to give her one final hug before she's out of my reach.

But as the time goes, I found out that she's not all the same like she's a reflection of myself in the mirror as I imagined.

Even without me, she still has so many close friends. Unlike me, she's already independent, even to the point that she could share some of her salary for her family's necessities. And completely different from, me she led a different kind of outgoing lifestyle and pretty much unbound, free to go wherever she likes if she wills it.

So this is it.

Everything to me is such a short, blissful and ephemeral dream. It's still a good dream nonetheless, but a dream that was never meant to be a reality in the first place.

I guess it's time to wake up.

Friend

How many time have I experienced this situation?

I was there, in the middle of a group of people, and yet I don't really feel like I actually belong there.

Those people know me, and I might know some of them to the extent. But other than that, we don't really have any more defining connection. It's no different than being a mere acquintance, which made it more awkward than if we are all total strangers that would give us an excuse to not give a damn about each other.

This doesn't only happen several times in real life, but also in social media. Whenever there's a group of people with some level of closeness between them, I always see them like I was out of the circle. An outsider acting like I actually fit inside.

Say that I stopped writing or drawing anymore. What can I bring to the table when we meet and talk? I watch less anime than I usually did in the past, and everyone play a game that I alone don't play. Everyone still laugh and moving on with their lives while me, being a mere spectator and not an actor, don't get to move anywhere.

But watching this program called social media more often left me feel miserable and depressed than giving me a feeling of positivity. I know, my mind and heart are already rotten to the core. I reject any notion of other people's happiness because I can't comprehend it. What is happiness anyway?

And so I was left alone.

As long as I never appear, never approach, and never try to start something, I am as good as gone.

No one will search for me, no one will need me, because I can only offer nothing, and I add nothing to their life.

I'm just a random person that might be mentioned couple of times in several pages of their lifetime story, but has no significant role to the big picture of their lives.

I become colorless. Without color, no one could see me.

And that is fine.

The next time they hear about me, I might be not in this world anymore. The only news from me that could make them care is once I close the book. Anything else in between has no interesting story to read.

This feeling of emptiness is for the best of myself.

End of Summer

Summer has come and passed.

The season of Idul Adha with all its business and liveliness.

The students on holiday who come back to their home for a brief period of time.

The large indie circle event which I missed for the nth time.

The hot and sunny days that give me tan everytime I swim.

The incoming new page of my college life that will be opened this week.

The approaching end of current anime season.

Everything has come and passed.

And so, here comes the last quarter of the year before I realized it.

I still haven't go anywhere from where I was on the start of this year. 

But from now on, undoubtedly, something will finally move somewhere.

Full Body Workout : Easy Plan 1

The result after seemingly endless 30-days workout from a random app I found.

The only thing that clearly benefitted from this is my chest, which has a clear mound that can even push any of my tight shirt forward - if only I was a girl, then maybe it would be a delightful view. 

Other than that, my arms' muscles grow, but not to the extent of when I was still rolling my wheelchair. They looked fine from the side or when I fold my arms, but when I extend them, it'll be clear that my body is still like a thin tree, be it the fault of the trunk or the branches. 

My abs also haven't formed anything, and I feel like my stomach is actually rounder than what it used to be.

Oh well, let's keep going and see if there's any notable changes several months later.

Essence of Freedom

Since today feels like a right moment to sit down and reflect a bit about my life and its significance to this day, I want to write something about my take on ‘independence’.

As far as my memory goes, I never remember making a single major decision in my life by myself. Like a train with a set course, I become an obedient kid that knows nothing but just to believe that whatever my parents choose for me might be the best. Because I know nothing better. 

As a result, I can’t complain much when I suddenly transferred to Bandung in the 4^th grade of elementary school, and then moved out again to Jakarta during my highschool. Both gave me some kind of culture shock because of the difference in how people act in the respective places, and I need some time before I can fit in.

This also continues when it comes to choosing the major I take for college. Never once in my previous teenage years I imagined myself to become a doctor. But when presented with an argument like ‘there’s no one in our big family who has become a doctor’, ‘we know you are capable for it’, or ‘our society needs it, we lacked people from medical field’, I concede. There are also thoughts like ‘they have raise me to this age, I have to repay the favor by doing what they told me to’, ‘I don’t really have anything I want to pursue, might as well follow their guidance’, and so on.

Later I realized, that I becoming less of a person by doing that.

When I’m at lost, I need some kind of escapism. Anime, manga, drawing, writing, all of that become something that defines ‘me’. So then there’s the two of me. The one that always says okay in the surface, and the one who stray off the rail without anyone knowing it.

But since I can’t find a balance between them, the train goes off the track and crashed. I lost the opportunity to continue studying as a med student. I also lost the passion of doing what I thought was my passion. A lose-lose situation.

But the story didn’t end there.

Now that I’m in the mid of my 20s, I realized that I can’t be a kid forever. I can’t just follow whatever other people told me to. I need to build my own argument, find something I actually want to do, and get to recognize what actually makes me ‘me’?

When I was attacked by TB and meningitis, I thought, ‘ah, so this is it’. I thought I’ve met a full stop. And then syringomyelia also come to say hi, and I become less and less a person every day. I can’t live without other’s help. My days are mostly empty. I never know what purpose do I have for waking up every morning. Why am I still living anyway?

Eventually, I was cured. People around me see it as some kind of miracle, but I see it as another trial. Now what? Okay, I’ve been able to walk again and relatively free from any imminent disease, but what about it? On the inside, nothing about me has changed. I’m still unable to find a new path I want to walk in. I still silently curses whenever I see other people showing off their happiness.I feel empty, with only a little bits of pieces remained to define me as a person.

After so much detour, let's get back and talk about independence.

Human are social by nature, so it's impossible to define independence as 'never depends on other' in the context of a person. I think someone can be called independent when he's fully aware that he's his own person in his life, so he can choose whatever road he wants to take in life and get to be responsible with his choice. Well, maybe ideally speaking, it would be something like that.

Recently, my parents have this idea of marriage. I'm on the age, and maybe pushing me out from the family register would make me my own person. Good idea! So far it makes sense. But then when it comes to who's the future partner, they still have the final say, and not me.

Now, I don't want to go against what the religion says on holy book as a matter of principle or against my parents which I still leech their money to continue living everyday as I have no earnings on my own, but I thought this : if I can't decide who I want to spend the rest of entire life with, then between the two 'me', the 'me' that always says okay will win, and I will never become my own person.

I will never have my own argument. I will never have my own choice. I will never have my own freedom.

Disappointingly, I don't have the power to argue against whatever I've been told to. In my entire life, I never tried to speak with my own voice, so it's no surprise, that I have no ability to firmly stand on my ground and say 'I want this' by my own. I was never independent. And so I lost.

Is this the end?

Beats me. But the dice has been rolled, and now all that I can do is just to wait for fate to announce its result. If by chance I can make things turn around, that it'll become an amazing comeback. But if things go in the set track like my entire life prior to this has been, then so be it. I care less about what will I become as a person, and I will live as long as this body can still breathe and pump bloods everywhere to move.

I just wish that in one point of my life, I will arrive at a point where I could say 'yeah, this is me' without worrying about anything else. 

I hope so.

Revival

It's been three years since I made this blog, and since then I never actually add anything to it, leaving it as empty as a barren wasteland

During these last three years, I have gradually reduced the activity of writing something, be it a story or Facebook post. Speaking of Facebook, I feel like the place has become too toxic for the current me. Sure, in the early 2010s it helped to provide a gateway for me to get acquintanced with new people who have similiar interest in literary and Japanese media. But later as my own life go downhill, I can no longer feel that I'm standing in the same place like everyone. And so, I begin to frequently deactivate my account in an attempt to distance myself with the others.

But still, it's not enough.

Twitter become the second place I feel like I can post anything there. But since some people already followed my account, I create another alt account just so I can follow anything I want without other people knowing it. Twitter also become the perfect outlet everytime I want to rant about something, despite the limitation of number of words per tweet so I opted to write short but long-chained series of tweets everytime I feel down.

But still, it's not enough.

I always make a comparison that Facebook is like a city street where you bump into everyone who come across everyday and see the group of buildings that contain different communities, while Twitter is more like an isolated room where you get a view of everyone from binocular, and sometime it also feels like a confessional box. Google+, while pretty much deserted, is still a platform where anyone with Google account can easily see me. So all things considered, all that's left for me is to revive this half-dead blog and start writing something again.

This time, it's all for myself.

If I can't be honest with everyone in real life, at least I want to write down what I really feel and think with everything that happened in my life. In short, I want to write down my own story. A collection of thoughts that people around me may never hear, but actually embody me as a person. Even if I have no choice but to become an empty husk, a zombie without any will, at the very least, I want to become true to myself in any way I could.

I hope so.