As far as my memory goes, I never remember making a single
major decision in my life by myself. Like a train with a set course, I become
an obedient kid that knows nothing but just to believe that whatever my parents
choose for me might be the best. Because I know nothing better.
As a result, I can’t complain much when I suddenly
transferred to Bandung in the 4th grade of elementary school, and
then moved out again to Jakarta during my highschool. Both gave me some kind of
culture shock because of the difference in how people act in the respective
places, and I need some time before I can fit in.
This also continues when it comes to choosing the major I
take for college. Never once in my previous teenage years I imagined myself to
become a doctor. But when presented with an argument like ‘there’s no one in
our big family who has become a doctor’, ‘we know you are capable for it’, or ‘our
society needs it, we lacked people from medical field’, I concede. There are also
thoughts like ‘they have raise me to this age, I have to repay the favor by
doing what they told me to’, ‘I don’t really have anything I want to pursue,
might as well follow their guidance’, and so on.
Later I realized, that I becoming less of a person by doing
that.
When I’m at lost, I need some kind of escapism. Anime,
manga, drawing, writing, all of that become something that defines ‘me’. So
then there’s the two of me. The one that always says okay in the surface, and
the one who stray off the rail without anyone knowing it.
But since I can’t find a balance between them, the train
goes off the track and crashed. I lost the opportunity to continue studying as
a med student. I also lost the passion of doing what I thought was my passion.
A lose-lose situation.
But the story didn’t end there.
Now that I’m in the mid of my 20s, I realized that I can’t
be a kid forever. I can’t just follow whatever other people told me to. I need
to build my own argument, find something I actually want to do, and get to
recognize what actually makes me ‘me’?
When I was attacked by TB and meningitis, I thought, ‘ah, so
this is it’. I thought I’ve met a full stop. And then syringomyelia also come
to say hi, and I become less and less a person every day. I can’t live without
other’s help. My days are mostly empty. I never know what purpose do I have for
waking up every morning. Why am I still living anyway?
Eventually, I was cured. People around me see it as some
kind of miracle, but I see it as another trial. Now what? Okay, I’ve been able
to walk again and relatively free from any imminent disease, but what about it?
On the inside, nothing about me has changed. I’m still unable to find a new path I want to walk in. I still silently curses whenever I see other people showing off their happiness.I feel empty, with only a little bits of pieces remained to define me as a person.
After so much detour, let's get back and talk about independence.
Human are social by nature, so it's impossible to define independence as 'never depends on other' in the context of a person. I think someone can be called independent when he's fully aware that he's his own person in his life, so he can choose whatever road he wants to take in life and get to be responsible with his choice. Well, maybe ideally speaking, it would be something like that.
Recently, my parents have this idea of marriage. I'm on the age, and maybe pushing me out from the family register would make me my own person. Good idea! So far it makes sense. But then when it comes to who's the future partner, they still have the final say, and not me.
Now, I don't want to go against what the religion says on holy book as a matter of principle or against my parents which I still leech their money to continue living everyday as I have no earnings on my own, but I thought this : if I can't decide who I want to spend the rest of entire life with, then between the two 'me', the 'me' that always says okay will win, and I will never become my own person.
I will never have my own argument. I will never have my own choice. I will never have my own freedom.
Disappointingly, I don't have the power to argue against whatever I've been told to. In my entire life, I never tried to speak with my own voice, so it's no surprise, that I have no ability to firmly stand on my ground and say 'I want this' by my own. I was never independent. And so I lost.
Is this the end?
Beats me. But the dice has been rolled, and now all that I can do is just to wait for fate to announce its result. If by chance I can make things turn around, that it'll become an amazing comeback. But if things go in the set track like my entire life prior to this has been, then so be it. I care less about what will I become as a person, and I will live as long as this body can still breathe and pump bloods everywhere to move.
I just wish that in one point of my life, I will arrive at a point where I could say 'yeah, this is me' without worrying about anything else.
I hope so.
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