Earlier this year, I thought I have found the girl of my dream.
She's a friend of my sister who's close with her during their school days. The initial attraction I had with her is only because she looked like she's often liked some of my posts on Facebook, and able to conversate in English. Later, she borrowed my pentab once and asked me to help with her final assignment as a beta tester of an app she made. Those were all just some meaningless interaction with little to no importance, but to a man without any decent experience with a girl, I thought that she's somewhat okay.
And so, without thinking much, I threw a bait in the form of marriage proposal. I was half-serious and certainly didn't put much thought about it, because I think there's no harm on trying to throw the idea to her. If she didn't like it, then so be it. But if she did like the idea, then I was pretty excitement to see how would it develop to something else.
Of course, she didn't give a proper answer for about 2 years.
By then I had almost forgot about it. I don't even think I want to marry anyone for the rest of my life, because I think being in relationship with someone else is bothersome, and I'm pretty much content with being alone. But since I've recovered from my illness, my mother seemed to think that I should hurry and get married, even though I don't really feel the urgency.
And on that kind of timing, out of the blue, she reappeared once again.
She asked how am I doing, what am I up to, other small talks like that. At that time, I feel a deep sense of having a true companion. Someone who I could share anything, being truly open like I never was with any other people, from the thought I think would affect people's perception about me if they hear it, some extreme imaginations, and even all of my depressions.
She listened. And more than that, she also shared her story, which made me symphatize with her struggle in life.
She had many problems to list, but basically, just like me, in a simple word, she's pretty much a broken person. It makes me think that I want to help her in a way, or maybe even save her from the situation she's in. In one occassion I asked about my half-assed proposal in the past, and much to my surprise, she said that she actually has taken a liking to me from a long time ago.
That made my mind flew higher, passing the clouds and heavens.
Then I learned that we actually shared the same birthday. We had the same blood and personality type. We had the same idea and agreeing on many things. Then I begin to look at her physical features, and thought she's really an ideal girl. Her skin is the kind of clean and fair white. Anyone who saw her would agree that her face is among the beauty. And her figure is what I imagined to have a potential of being soft and stacked without actually being too fat.
How can a girl this perfect says that she liked me? Is God messing with me? This kind of thing is too good to be true!
And as I expected, everything won't go the way I want it.
Despite how much I'm interested with her, apparently my parents opposed the idea of me being with her. One of the reason is the problem with her parents. The other one is she herself is in a position which is unfavorable to my parents' principle of ideal wife candidate. Me, being only a kid without education, job, or at the very least a financial independece, can only give up since I don't even have any bargaining chip or good argument to offer. Just like how it always be on my life, I was and will never made a major choice on my life by myself as long as I'm not a free man under the care of my parents.
Well, it's not like I want to rebel against their decision either. I'm an obedient kid, and I don't really have any more free will since most of what makes me 'me' had pretty much died. So when they told me about another candidate, I think it's better if I try to forget about her.
In reality, even though I've tried to cut the connection with her, I found myself lost to the temptation just because I saw a short video of her playing in the beach. We're secretly still in contact with each other, even after she knew that sooner or later I would probably marry another girl. We did a video call once or twice, something that I thought I would never do with a girl before. I even had the wild idea of meeting her just to give her one final hug before she's out of my reach.
But as the time goes, I found out that she's not all the same like she's a reflection of myself in the mirror as I imagined.
Even without me, she still has so many close friends. Unlike me, she's already independent, even to the point that she could share some of her salary for her family's necessities. And completely different from, me she led a different kind of outgoing lifestyle and pretty much unbound, free to go wherever she likes if she wills it.
So this is it.
Everything to me is such a short, blissful and ephemeral dream. It's still a good dream nonetheless, but a dream that was never meant to be a reality in the first place.
I guess it's time to wake up.
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