Friend

How many time have I experienced this situation?

I was there, in the middle of a group of people, and yet I don't really feel like I actually belong there.

Those people know me, and I might know some of them to the extent. But other than that, we don't really have any more defining connection. It's no different than being a mere acquintance, which made it more awkward than if we are all total strangers that would give us an excuse to not give a damn about each other.

This doesn't only happen several times in real life, but also in social media. Whenever there's a group of people with some level of closeness between them, I always see them like I was out of the circle. An outsider acting like I actually fit inside.

Say that I stopped writing or drawing anymore. What can I bring to the table when we meet and talk? I watch less anime than I usually did in the past, and everyone play a game that I alone don't play. Everyone still laugh and moving on with their lives while me, being a mere spectator and not an actor, don't get to move anywhere.

But watching this program called social media more often left me feel miserable and depressed than giving me a feeling of positivity. I know, my mind and heart are already rotten to the core. I reject any notion of other people's happiness because I can't comprehend it. What is happiness anyway?

And so I was left alone.

As long as I never appear, never approach, and never try to start something, I am as good as gone.

No one will search for me, no one will need me, because I can only offer nothing, and I add nothing to their life.

I'm just a random person that might be mentioned couple of times in several pages of their lifetime story, but has no significant role to the big picture of their lives.

I become colorless. Without color, no one could see me.

And that is fine.

The next time they hear about me, I might be not in this world anymore. The only news from me that could make them care is once I close the book. Anything else in between has no interesting story to read.

This feeling of emptiness is for the best of myself.