The Wasted Seven Years

It feels like time has stopped for me

For the past 7 years, I was standing still. I'm not going anywhere, and my mind never matured like how I expect a 20-something old man should think and behave. I'm still a little kid or teen at heart, despite my ever growing adult body.

The changes, however, should be adressed to people around me, mainly my family, and specifically, all my younger siblings. They went from preschooler to kindergartener, to elementary school student, to middle school student, to high school students, to college students, from single to married and having child and expecting the second one as of now.

But where am I?

Here, unmoving from where I was 7 years ago. Not sure with what direction should I take with this life, nor do I know what should I do to make up all these years that I spent for pretty much nothing.

Despite being the eldest son, I failed to set any good example. Well, at least I hope my younger siblings could learn a thing or two from my past failures.

Still A Friend Of Mine

I had one friend during the days I was a med student. This one friend had to repeat multiple courses like me, so he was held back several years and more or less got stuck together with me for the span of 5 years. But even before we both ended up failing on or academics, his very first approach was to invite me to the world of Kemudian.com, and later on, LCDP and BoR. Had he not been there to pull me in, I might never made so many online acquintances who shared the same passion on writing and drawing, and I might not even be encouraged to explore my passion at all during the college years.

On one hand, I fully admit that doing creative works is more or less a form of escapism for me under the stress of medical college pressure. As I never could made a name of myself in academic achievement, I somehow got a great feeling of acknowledgement in the creative field. Of course, I never actually made it big. But the time I spent doing what I think I love is enough to make me enjoy every moment of it

Now back to the point of my friend. Despite sharing the same passion and bad grades, gradually I noticed some differences between us. While I feel satisfied with doing whatever I want to do, he actually took one step ahead. He socializes. He builds relations, getting to know more people than I was. This also shows when we had to repeat with underclassmen younger than us. Whereas I still keep my introverted persona and never bothered to make a move, he makes an effort to get close to them. He felt so outgoing to the point I can't follow him anymore.

To add to those difference is the difference on our religious view. He felt almost like he's a syncretist or pluralist, while I tried hard to show a conservative and fundamentalist approach. Later on, he got a position on game dev company, became part of a big local fantasy writing project, and even applied to write a script for a TV program. The last hit was when he passed an exam that decides whether we can still continue being a med student while I'm not. After I dropped out, I almost feel that there's no longer any point on having contact with him. Not only our view and interest don't meet, I also don't have any reason to meet him on regular basis anymore.

But there's one instance where he asked my condition after someone he know died from meningitis. At the moment I think he just thinks about me as an afterthought, just because I remind him of that person since we had the same disease. But now that I think about it, there's also a possibility that he genuinely worried about me after so long without any contact. Now that I have calmed down, I think I forgot to be grateful that God has made him as one of prominent character of my life story during the previous chapter. Had he not been there, not only my life would be so dull, I might also get crushed easily when I found myself alone without a single friend.

To conclude, I owe to him for the short time he was with me. He may have many friends beside me, but he might be the only friend I had at that time. And for that, I should express my gratitude the next time I meet him.

It's Not Love, But Somewhere Near

Earlier this year, I thought I have found the girl of my dream.

She's a friend of my sister who's close with her during their school days. The initial attraction I had with her is only because she looked like she's often liked some of my posts on Facebook, and able to conversate in English. Later, she borrowed my pentab once and asked me to help with her final assignment as a beta tester of an app she made. Those were all just some meaningless interaction with little to no importance, but to a man without any decent experience with a girl, I thought that she's somewhat okay.

And so, without thinking much, I threw a bait in the form of marriage proposal. I was half-serious and certainly didn't put much thought about it, because I think there's no harm on trying to throw the idea to her. If she didn't like it, then so be it. But if she did like the idea, then I was pretty excitement to see how would it develop to something else.

Of course, she didn't give a proper answer for about 2 years.

By then I had almost forgot about it. I don't even think I want to marry anyone for the rest of my life, because I think being in relationship with someone else is bothersome, and I'm pretty much content with being alone. But since I've recovered from my illness, my mother seemed to think that I should hurry and get married, even though I don't really feel the urgency.

And on that kind of timing, out of the blue, she reappeared once again.

She asked how am I doing, what am I up to, other small talks like that. At that time, I feel a deep sense of having a true companion. Someone who I could share anything, being truly open like I never was with any other people, from the thought I think would affect people's perception about me if they hear it, some extreme imaginations, and even all of my depressions.

She listened. And more than that, she also shared her story, which made me symphatize with her struggle in life.

She had many problems to list, but basically, just like me, in a simple word, she's pretty much a broken person. It makes me think that I want to help her in a way, or maybe even save her from the situation she's in. In one occassion I asked about my half-assed proposal in the past, and much to my surprise, she said that she actually has taken a liking to me from a long time ago.

That made my mind flew higher, passing the clouds and heavens.

Then I learned that we actually shared the same birthday. We had the same blood and personality type. We had the same idea and agreeing on many things. Then I begin to look at her physical features, and thought she's really an ideal girl. Her skin is the kind of clean and fair white. Anyone who saw her would agree that her face is among the beauty. And her figure is what I imagined to have a potential of being soft and stacked without actually being too fat.

How can a girl this perfect says that she liked me? Is God messing with me? This kind of thing is too good to be true!

And as I expected, everything won't go the way I want it.

Despite how much I'm interested with her, apparently my parents opposed the idea of me being with her. One of the reason is the problem with her parents. The other one is she herself is in a position which is unfavorable to my parents' principle of ideal wife candidate. Me, being only a kid without education, job, or at the very least a financial independece, can only give up since I don't even have any bargaining chip or good argument to offer. Just like how it always be on my life, I was and will never made a major choice on my life by myself as long as I'm not a free man under the care of my parents.

Well, it's not like I want to rebel against their decision either. I'm an obedient kid, and I don't really have any more free will since most of what makes me 'me' had pretty much died. So when they told me about another candidate, I think it's better if I try to forget about her.

In reality, even though I've tried to cut the connection with her, I found myself lost to the temptation just because I saw a short video of her playing in the beach. We're secretly still in contact with each other, even after she knew that sooner or later I would probably marry another girl. We did a video call once or twice, something that I thought I would never do with a girl before. I even had the wild idea of meeting her just to give her one final hug before she's out of my reach.

But as the time goes, I found out that she's not all the same like she's a reflection of myself in the mirror as I imagined.

Even without me, she still has so many close friends. Unlike me, she's already independent, even to the point that she could share some of her salary for her family's necessities. And completely different from, me she led a different kind of outgoing lifestyle and pretty much unbound, free to go wherever she likes if she wills it.

So this is it.

Everything to me is such a short, blissful and ephemeral dream. It's still a good dream nonetheless, but a dream that was never meant to be a reality in the first place.

I guess it's time to wake up.

Friend

How many time have I experienced this situation?

I was there, in the middle of a group of people, and yet I don't really feel like I actually belong there.

Those people know me, and I might know some of them to the extent. But other than that, we don't really have any more defining connection. It's no different than being a mere acquintance, which made it more awkward than if we are all total strangers that would give us an excuse to not give a damn about each other.

This doesn't only happen several times in real life, but also in social media. Whenever there's a group of people with some level of closeness between them, I always see them like I was out of the circle. An outsider acting like I actually fit inside.

Say that I stopped writing or drawing anymore. What can I bring to the table when we meet and talk? I watch less anime than I usually did in the past, and everyone play a game that I alone don't play. Everyone still laugh and moving on with their lives while me, being a mere spectator and not an actor, don't get to move anywhere.

But watching this program called social media more often left me feel miserable and depressed than giving me a feeling of positivity. I know, my mind and heart are already rotten to the core. I reject any notion of other people's happiness because I can't comprehend it. What is happiness anyway?

And so I was left alone.

As long as I never appear, never approach, and never try to start something, I am as good as gone.

No one will search for me, no one will need me, because I can only offer nothing, and I add nothing to their life.

I'm just a random person that might be mentioned couple of times in several pages of their lifetime story, but has no significant role to the big picture of their lives.

I become colorless. Without color, no one could see me.

And that is fine.

The next time they hear about me, I might be not in this world anymore. The only news from me that could make them care is once I close the book. Anything else in between has no interesting story to read.

This feeling of emptiness is for the best of myself.

End of Summer

Summer has come and passed.

The season of Idul Adha with all its business and liveliness.

The students on holiday who come back to their home for a brief period of time.

The large indie circle event which I missed for the nth time.

The hot and sunny days that give me tan everytime I swim.

The incoming new page of my college life that will be opened this week.

The approaching end of current anime season.

Everything has come and passed.

And so, here comes the last quarter of the year before I realized it.

I still haven't go anywhere from where I was on the start of this year. 

But from now on, undoubtedly, something will finally move somewhere.